As I have written before, I’m currently pregnant with my first child, a healthy little girl. Although I am overwhelmingly grateful for this blessing and love this baby fully, pregnancy for me has been, for lack of a better word, a challenge.
Instead of getting into all the symptoms I’ve faced and the emotional roller coaster those symptoms have taken me on, I’ll just focus on the most recent one.
For the past four weeks I have been battling some sort of eye infection/allergic reaction/allergy that has resulted in the area around my upper and lower eyelids to be bright red, swollen, itchy and flaky. For weeks I have looked like I’ve just stepped out of a bout in the boxing ring, a bout I clearly lost.
Being a strong proponent of natural remedies, because I truly believe if the devil brought something into this world God has a natural way to heal it, I tried all the therapies I could think of – ice, heat, coconut oil, olive oil, cucumber slices, potatoe slices, honey, stopped eating gluten, stayed away from dairy, changed my makeup, got rid of my pillow, switched toothpastes and deodorant etc, but nothing was making a dent. I am not a fan of western medicine (although I must say I do have several wonderful people in my life who are doctors and nurses), but I finally set up a consultation with a doctor after talking to the nurse at my prenatal clinic.
I was diagnosed with an eye condition called blepharitis and put on an antibiotic. Fast forward two days, my eyes were just as bad as before and I ended up having an allergic reaction to the antibiotic, resulting in a terribly itchy rash all over my back, chest and stomach. Later that day, a second doctor also diagnosed me with blepharitis and prescribed a different antibiotic. Two days later, my eyes were so swollen I could hardly open them in the morning (another negative reaction to the antibiotic).
During this time, I started to avoid going out in public. Makeup irritated my eyes but to go out without makeup resulted in looks of shock, confusion and pity (I’m pretty sure my neighbor thinks I am in an abusive relationship). I avoided grocery shopping, in-person meetings (I work remotely), seeing friends, going to dinner, even attending church. The more reclusive I became the more depressed I started to feel.
Last Friday, I went to see an eye doctor. He didn’t know what was going on but gave me several things to try (eyelid drops, wipes and a salve). Saturday my eyelids were so red it looked like I had a circle of fire around my upper and lower lids. A heavy spirit of depression and discouragement settled in and, for the first time in a while, I felt like I had no fight left in me to combat it. While walking my dog, hiding under a baseball cap and huge sunglasses, I started to cry. I felt disappointed in myself because I knew I needed to continue to press on and battle whatever the heck was going on, but I just didn’t have the energy. I started talking to God and in the middle of my tears I heard:
“TRUST ME”
I told God I did trust HIM, but I didn’t trust ME. I didn’t trust my thoughts, my emotions, my complete lack of faith and fight. I then asked what specifically He meant, but only heard the sound of silence.
I got home and was overcome with feelings of defeat and sadness. I would never consider myself a “crier”, but I’m pretty sure I cried more on Saturday than I have for the entire previous two years combined (I have no doubt pregnancy hormones contributed to the insane amount of tears).
My husband got home later that day and saw me on the couch with ice over my eyes. When I took the ice off, he inhaled deeply and said, “this isn’t good”, then later proclaimed, “I don’t think your body can handle another pregnancy”. To which I started crying again.
By the time I went to bed around 9:00pm I was exhausted. I was frustrated that no doctor could properly tell me what was going on or give me something to help. I sat in my bed and grabbed my phone. Long story short, I started researching and one article led to another, which led to a google image, which led to a blog post by someone in the UK who talked about eyelid dermatitis, a form of eczema, and how they cured it. The pictures of eyelid dermatitis looked similar to what I was facing so I ravenously read through the article. The author discussed a salve they used that was derived from manuka honey and how that salve eventually cleared their eczema. Another google search resulted in a research article describing how hormones change in pregnant women and how some women, yours truly, become more sensitive to allergens and eczema.
I ordered the eye salve but was disappointed when I saw it wouldn’t arrive until the end of August. I then wondered if the primary ingredient in the salve, manuka honey, would make a difference, to which I again turned to google.
When my husband walked into the room I told him what I had learned, he responded, “let’s go get some”. I was already in pajamas but jumped (let’s be honest, rolled) out of bed and told him I’d ride with him to the nearest Walmart and would wait/hide in the car while he grabbed the manuka honey I knew was on aisle A12.
20min later I was applying the honey to my upper and lower eyelids. It stung quite a bit so I washed it off after 10min then went to bed. The next morning my eyes were still red, dry and itchy but I applied the honey again, this time mixing with some Vaseline to make it a little thinner. I kept it on for 20min then washed it off.
A friend of mine has been going through a difficult time and I wanted to go see her so I did the best I could to hide my crimson eyes under a thick layer of foundation then drove the hour to her house. We spent hours talking, throughout which my eyes became more and more dry. By the time we got in the car I noticed my husband staring at me. When I asked what was wrong he said, “your eyes look weird”. A quick glance in the mirror showed the skin around my eyes was completely flaking off, even falling into my eyelashes and onto my cheeks.
We got home, I washed off the makeup, put more manuka honey on my eyes then went to bed.
This morning I woke up and my eyes felt scratchy and heavy. I pulled myself out of bed and, just like I have every morning for four weeks, hesitantly looked in the mirror. The redness and swelling were nearly gone! I could hardly believe it, but then I remembered what God had said: TRUST ME.
The Lord led me to do the research, He took me to the google images, He had me click on the right one which led to the blog, then took me to the research article that discussed eczema in pregnancy. He did all of that in less than an hour even though two family doctors, two prenatal nurses, an OBGYN and an eye doctor consultation throughout four weeks only led to misdiagnosis, allergic reactions and further questions and concerns.
I know what I have been facing is small in comparison to what others are battling today, but I hope you know, whoever you are, that when you TRUST GOD He will guide you to your healing.
Sometimes the weight of the war feels so heavy we don’t even know if we can pick up our shield, let alone swing a sword. In those moments, when you cry out to the Lord, He WILL answer you. It may just be a single word whispered in the wind, but when you cling to that one word, it will guide you to your path.
Only God would have known my healing resided in a bush located in Australia. God knows your path to healing, too. When you cry out to the Father you’ll realize He’s been waiting for you to call so He could rapidly answer.
“Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you: For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened.”
-Matthew 7:7-8
A Woman Standing 